Married for almost 20 years now, here is what I asked myself when trying to tackle challenges.
Some marriages do reach the end of the road if you either out grow each other with your own aspirations and just don't see eye to eye. This is okay.
For those of us who know that we are neglecting our marriage and just don't know where to start to mend it, let's begin here...
How have my needs and wants changed over the years?
Initially, you are both floating blissfully in this love bubble and nothing else matters.
You eventually come down to ground level, reality sets in and it's all about juggling a healthy balance and facing the stages.
Also, when you make it official, expectations automatically become part of the marital equation. Correct?
Let's skip to say 5 years down this path, where are you now in your marriage and how do you feel about it?
Of course, circumstances vary from person to person from health to finance to career to parenting to having a social life.
Though one common ground we all share is how much we have prioritized our marriage.
Some of us become parents and not spouses any longer to each other and this is natural in the beginning but tend to get trapped in this zone.
Some of us become complacent and treat each other like house mates and intimacy is a secondary thought.
Some of us grow out of the socializing mode or become too engrossed in our career and the list goes on which all become one big fat excuse and then turns into a blame game.
What we also have to remember is that we are all still individuals and have to find a healthy way to co-exist without having to compromise on our own personal growth.
Yes the old fashioned notion that marriage is a compromise has to be re-defined to fit the modern world.
Compromise means to give up something in order to please your partner.
If giving up harmful habits like smoking or overdrinking, I agree, but if having to give up something that fulfills you, like going riding / playing golf / dance classes , this isn't healthy or fair and will soon become a resentment trigger.
Rather than do this, why not initiate a joint hobby together depending on your budgets and commitments, like going for a walk in the park once a week/ going away overnight every month/ going for a fitness/yoga class or just doing a HITT fifteen minutes routine at home like my husband and I do or simply cooking a meal together.
We already know for it to work, it takes commitment so treat it like a long term project with emotional benefits so that when you don't do it, you miss it or it becomes a must do like brushing your teeth.
It becomes a ritual.
It's so possible, it's just a matter of treating it with equal importance.
It's just flawed human nature to take each other for granted. Don't become one of these statistics that end up regretting it when it's too late and rise to the occasion now.
Ask yourself what is the point of making all this money or working so hard and using this as a valid reason if it is alienating you in your marriage?
Or why aren't you feeling this sense of attachment to your spouse?
They become like a clock on the wall you see everyday but don't really read the time.
Yes life can be overwhelming at times but only if you make it this way and it becomes a maze and you end up loosing yourself in it not knowing what makes you happy any more.
STOP and REVIVE it! Give your happiness and marriage a jump start!
You owe it to yourself and your spouse.
Start on a clean slate by talking openly about it without any blaming or judgment.
Reminisce about when you first met, fell in love and connect with this then share what you need currently from each other as what you wanted 5 years ago is not what you need now and won't 5 years from now. Don't remain stagnant.
Love takes many forms and evolves from intimacy to parenting to companionship though needs to go through all these stages to keep it alive.
Also talk about your personal needs/wants as this plays a crucial role in your marriage.
Start small and realistic then allow it to grow.
What a really comforting realization would dwell from this is that the small mundane things you resented or were an effort to do for each other , you will now be happy to do.
Also, the small habits that annoyed you about each other won't so much. Amen:))
This is a great sign that you are satisfied with the way things are going!
Ask each other what you feel a fulfilling marriage is?
Financial Stability/Quality time/ Intellectual Compatibility/ Intimacy....
Constructive communication is crucial to maintaining a healthy marriage.
It is something that has been worn out in advise but still remains a challenge.
So where does this bring us?
Well this is where I can help you anchor all this with interactive thought changing techniques and figure out together where the hindering feelings are.
Reach out and let's bring what truly matters to the forefront of your life.
Book a free consultation online.
If live in Nairobi, prefer to meet though your choice. Location can be mine/ yours/ neutral private place.
For those outside Nairobi, can set up a zoom session.
Prior to this session, I will email you a questionnaire to get to know you a little better:)
So don't look back, focus on moving forward with a sense of marital fulfillment.
Please comment/share/like this and really would love to hear back from you on what topic you would like me to chat about next as I am doing this for you and it's a learning curve for all of us.
With Warmth & Guidance,